On the 10th of December my employers will begin the process of communicating the news of my transition to broad group of colleagues across the organisation and external suppliers with whom I am working closely.
My initial reaction to learning that my story was about to have a much larger audience was one of retreat, the need to hide from my truth is still very strong. Unlearning so many years of indoctrination about the fundamental wrongness of my total self is taking some considerable effort, I still have some way to go.
On the back of that instinctive response, comes a hope for relief. I have for many years tried to apply a Utilitarian approach to my life.That is to say, trying to deliver the Maximum happiness for the maximum number of people. I’m beginning to understand that maybe its ok for me to be who I am, and that being myself may not be incompatible with a Utilitarian approach.
I did not choose to feel this way, I’m hard wired and its time to stop pretending otherwise.
Why has it taken so long to get here ? To use the stunning Sartrean analogy. The more sand that has run out of the hour glass of life, the easier it is to see things more clearly.
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