I have a pounding headache, a sore throat and a desire to sleep. I can cope with the first two, the third would be much easier to deal with if laying down and closing my eyes resulted in achieving the required state of consciousness. It doesn’t, so I will quit complaining and move on.
The end result of my current insomnia is another late night blog post that may not be as coherent as it should be, but I will do my best.
Regular readers, or those with intense curiosity who have managed to wade through the older posts, will no doubt be aware of my ongoing challenges accepting some of my parents behaviour. Working on the principle that acceptance is quite important to me, it stands to reason that this should start with the first people who should provide us with unconditional love. Our Parents.
Today, with the help of some remarkably incisive counselling progress was made. Teased out of my psyche and switched on like an immensely powerful searchlight, my therapist illuminated a truth for me.
All of my actions towards my parents, all of my efforts were aimed at one goal. Every time I wrote a cheque, or accepted an insult, or listened to some hate filled monologue I did so for one reason. I was hoping for them to respond. I sought a response that showed they cared enough about me to do the right thing. I guess I wanted to hear, “We Accept you, we Love you, Be Yourself, Be Happy”……It hasn’t happened, it won’t happen and understanding that has helped me move on a little more today.
It is fair to say that I am saddened by my Mothers passing without achieving this acceptance. But I am genuinely no longer anchored by that.
I should be grateful, my experience has provided me with a blueprint for relationships that is not dependent on satisfying a selfish end. If you are my friend, it is only because, you are my friend….
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