Regular readers will remember that I occasionally reference the works of Arthur Schopenhauer.
In my strictly binary gender upbringing the expectations of society for the Male role were made clear to me . Not just with regards to clothing, but across the full range of daily life. There was no room to manoeuvre. The boundaries were rigidly defined, and attempts to cross them, dealt with swiftly.
Now eight months into my transition, with my feminine name legally recognised and the medical treatment working on both my emotional and physical self, I was hoping my presence in the world, presenting as female would somehow feel legitimised. To a certain extent I have achieved this, but I still have a couple of hurdles.
I’m going to borrow some of Schopenhauer’s words in an attempt to articulate a challenging issue for me. He told us that “Buying books would be a good thing if one could also buy the time to read them in.”
I have, what may at first glance appear to be a significantly more fickle issue. I will try and explain with a bastardisation of his remarkable wisdom………..
“Buying dresses would be a good thing, if one could also buy the confidence to wear them.”
Today for the first time, I went to work in a dress. I worked to assemble a smart, well put together look. I probably spent more time getting ready for work this morning, than I spent dressing for work in the whole of 2015.
I have no shame admitting I was incredibly comfortable in the dress, jacket, tights, accessories, and boots. Very comfortable that is, right until the time I stepped outside.
I seem to be missing a sense of entitlement. A belief that I can, and should present as I please without apology. I’m not sure if this was taken from me, if I never had it, or if I don’t deserve it…….
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