WASP News

Whatever my worries and fears for the future, my transitioning no longer features in the list….Not just out of the top ten, but they are gone. It simply is no longer concerns me.

Twelve months ago it was number one on the list. The prospect seemed terrifying, and in my mind completely unachievable, so plans to leave the planet were well prepared. For the first three months of 2016 I fought a battle between despair, and the love of my family and friends. The resultant mental collapse was inevitable.

Entering 2017, I am Me, as indeed I always have been. But the layers of protective irony have been steadily dissolved, revealing a Me that was there since the beginning, but carefully hidden.

Reflecting on the early part of my journey, its easy to for me to see now that my expectations were simply too ambitious. Passing (being convincingly feminine)  was everything.

If I couldn’t pass, I didn’t want to exist, a seemingly fickle approach, but in the context of my journey, I believe entirely understandable. Putting it simply, If the world didn’t accept my true identity, then I believed I had no reason to continue to live here…

Over the last couple of months I have grown to understand that “passing” is  not the issue. It longer worries me. This is a revelation, but I no longer care what people think.

I can’t say what triggered this shift, other than perhaps just living as myself and growing accustomed to not hiding.

What is truly important is that I am  now Me, as authentic as I can be. 

My internal idealogical construct of what it means to be “Woman”  is crumbling, and in its place I’m building a more realistic model.

There are still wobbles, but this is normal, and I will learn to accept them as a valid part of who, and what I am.

Science and History can sort out the whys and the hows, but the truth is, that I am am now, as I always was….Woman.