Please note, this update may contain text that is potentially triggering for some people.
The recent change in my Anti Depressant medication regime is still fairly fresh. I’m told to expect side effects for up to and possibly beyond 90 days…
It is clear that still have to face up to some serious challenges in this area, and this weekend has been a classic example. Crushed by a rapid onset of depression and misery that came from nowhere and robbed me of everything I hold dear.
I have in the past attempted very clumsily to articulate how this really feels for me. I’m going to try a new approach. I’m going to try and articulate specific aspects of my condition in an attempt to help those closest to me, to understand where I am….
#1 If you see me crying, I’m beating it…….
Fifteen or so years ago, when I was reading a powerful book about personal motivation, I came across an interesting concept. The author talked about motivating yourself to bigger and better things by imagining a time long after your death, and visualising the lasting impact your presence had on the world. The idea was that by visualising a future where you are still remembered for whatever great things you achieved you would set yourself up for success in those areas.
I’ve hijacked this approach and I use it for a very different purpose.
When the serious despair sets in, when I am gazing into the abyss and the decision to leave the planet has been taken, I return to my subtle tweak on that old self help advice.
I build a big bright image in my mind of a memorial service. My memorial service.
I look at the people arriving. I look at their faces, I look at their expressions. I project my despair onto them.
I see my family, and the other people I love, I see my dear friends, these days I even see my adorable little puppy. I see them, I acknowledge them, and then I step inside how they are feeling.
The end result for me is instant, and profound. Tears, silent, persistent, huge tears. It may take one hour or ten, sometimes longer.
If you see me, it may not look like it, but I’m Winning. You can’t see the despair, or the agony, you can only see my reaction.
The Tears mean I’ve decided to fight, not for me, because I’m not worth it. But I’ve decided to fight for those people who think I am…
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