Around a week ago, I experienced a bit of a shock when a random Gentleman I was chatting with used a word to describe me that left me reeling. I’ve been struggling ever since.
“MACHO…”
It is worth clarifying that I don’t believe the Random Gentleman in question intended for me to be offended, or hurt, he was just telling it like he saw it, and I think this is what has caused me a week of angst, and a few days of tears.
Extending his hand and introducing himself as Tom, I reciprocated, offering my hand and and adding “and I am Suzanne.” This brief exchange clearly sparked some cognitive dissonance into his quiet Saturday Afternoon sat on his Triumph Bonneville gazing at the Ocean. His response was to articulate this dissonance, “Mate, you are too Macho for Suzanne.”
My internal monologue constantly assures me that I am a pretty grim facsimile of Femininity, and events like this serve only to feed that voice, and give it substance. From there on, a downward spiral into more self loathing was guaranteed.
After a week of this exchange gnawing away at my sense of self it was obvious I needed some action. But what ? I work harder now on my appearance than I ever have in my life. I shop for clothing styles that believe are flattering and stylish. I’m pushing hard at my Gym sessions with my PT and the amount of attention my hair receives is beyond belief. How do I lose the Macho….
I chose the picture above, because for me, It sums up Macho. It represents Macho in a very positive way. leaping off a horse at high speed to wrestle a Pissed off Steer to the ground with his bare hands is a very Macho pastime and I applauded him for it once I had put the camera down.
I contemplated on all the things I have done in the past that may be perceived as Macho. Its been a while, since I routinely wore my Tactical Jacket, an item of clothing many people would classify as Macho. Its also been many years since I effected entry into the first floor of a building through a closed window, or made a surprise entrance through a false ceiling, both of which are pretty full on macho tasks…Yes I still ride motorcycles, but so do lots of Women, and we wouldn’t call them Macho for that reason…
I began to build a list of changes required. Size and Shape would seem to be an obvious choice, I’m already working on both and this will lead to a far healthier Suzanne. Other items on the list are probably a little vain and mostly unachievable, like my desire for “Smaller Feet”, or “Longer Slender neck” for example.
The problem is all of this turmoil and angst is internalised. I need to tackle this worry by thinking with someone else’s head. Today it occurred to me to put this list through the Lens of the fabulously inspirational Epicurus….Regular readers will know of my fondness for the teachings of this gifted Greek thinker.
Using ancient Greek wisdom is not as crazy as it seems, and after digging into some of the surviving writings, I began to get a feel for how to move on
The first thing that occurs to me is that it would be far simpler not to build a list of things I want to change, but to dispense with my ambition to not upset anyone. This is me. Somethings I can’t change. I didn’t choose this, fate has dictated my Gender Dilemma and I’m trying hard to make it work.
I’m paraphrasing but the key message is, “Focus on what you have, it’s already more than you ever imagined you could achieve.”
For Epicurus one of the most important elements of a comfortable existence was Friends. With good friends in tow almost anything becomes bearable, presumably even being called “Macho.”
I have some good friends, and I’m on a journey I never thought I would be able to take, and for this I am grateful……
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