WASP News

It is hard to believe that it is nearly January 2018.. 

The last year has passed me by at a rate that feels distinctly unnerving. I was going to use the analogy that the time elapsed between putting away, and retrieving the Christmas Decorations was feeling decidedly short, but I can’t because for us that was only three months. Such was the chaos and calamity of my year, the Tree and decorations only made it into the loft space in September, having been hastily shoved into a spare bedroom since December 2016. 

So where am I….

A redesigned blog and a commitment to more positive posts has been largely successful. That is not to say that I don’t still encounter set backs and bad days, but I work hard to let those moments go. Dark periods are thankfully less frequent, and shorter lived. It has to be noted that the intensity to the depression is still there, and when those episodes hit, it still hurts, and not just me. 

The last couple of months has seen me working hard to offload a seriously over ambitious collection of Motorcycles. Its time to admit, many of those purchases were made whilst I was extremely ill. I was battling to secure, or possibly present some kind of identity. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a passionate motorcyclist, but for a little while at least, the lines were blurred between passion and obsession and the end result was a little bit of a mess. I have rediscovered the joy of riding, and am still working to put things back in perspective. This has been a very positive process.

My health and fitness is an area where I have gone backwards, despite recent effort I have set myself up with a mountain to climb. I’m still working with a PT, but I need to dig deeper and find a greater reserve of energy and motivation to start seeing the results I need. I remain deeply ashamed of my size and shape. It is an issue that I feel several times a day causing deep hurt to an already damaged sense of self. This is the area that will receive most effort as we head into the next Solar Orbit 🙂 

Work is still a worry, redundancy still feels like an ever present threat in the light of the ongoing workplace transformation and restructure,  but I am working through some of the challenges. I am confident that things should stabilise as I settle into my latest project. The worries  will not go away completely, but I am trying to face into the prospect in a controlled manner.

My appearance is closely tied into my health and fitness. I feel certain that if I can start to see the results of my efforts in the Gym, then my confidence will grow. My bulk does not help at all. My voice, and speech therapy have dropped way down the list of things to fix. I need to revert to a “Pain Management” approach to my appearance challenges, and my size is what is hurting me most.

The recent amendments to the Australia Marriage Act, have highlighted an interesting challenge for Married Transgender People and I will be dealing with this in January. I plan to raise a robust Legal Challenge to the WA Law. I will be meeting the Gender Recognition Board and a Lawyer. I feel incredibly strongly that the WA Government should not defer recognition of my Gender status on the basis of my marital status. This could get interesting…..More news as it happens.

My attempts to build confidence with Public Speaking were thwarted, ironically enough by a lack of confidence, and some challenges around integrating with the group. Toastmasters is on hold for a while. I think I can deliver when I need to, and this will have to do for now.

People who know me well, will know that there are still days when I contemplate the validity of my existence, and oblivion appears to be an attractive alternative. Today is one of those days, and expressing myself like this is an attempt to move forwards.

Jane remains a stoic supporter, and is worthy of  endless, admiration and possibly a couple of medals. It seems unfair to summarise her support in one sentence, but regular readers will know the true value of her support and strength.

This summary is as honest and as open as I can make it. I’m focused on building on the progress and positivity.

Thanks for reading, thanks for sharing my journey, and if you are one of those special people who provides very real support. Please don’t stop, I’m doing my best for you, as well as me.