It now seems logical to use my Blog to record the whole process of becoming used to the idea of Redundancy…. I’ve been told “Its a roller coaster” and if I use that analogy, I have to conclude that I am already on my fourth lap, and feeling a little sick.
Last night was mostly sleepless, after the briefest of naps, I was hauled back to consciousness by an over active mind, desperate to solve many problems. I spent a few hours composing detailed emails, and producing complex plans, all whist horizontal and trying desperately to shutdown and sleep. Eventually, and conscious of the fact that I was disturbing Jane, I gave up, and relocated to the office, where I began to download the contents of brain into an overworked Mac Book.
My Boss asked me yesterday “How are you feeling….?” He had driven all the way from Perth to Busselton so I didn’t want to short change him with a half arsed answer, so I pondered for a little while before giving him a complete download, and I will try and recreate that response here.
I’m definitely invigorated, really invigorated. The news that I was not mapped to a role in the new structure of the organisation I work for, initiated that part of me that lights up when I face into a challenge. I guess the news has triggered my fight or flight response and I am ready to tackle what needs to be done.
I am also upset, over the last few months I have breathed life into a Project that was stagnant and had no form, no real scope, and no tangible solution. There is a great deal of me in that work, and to loose it, has triggered a sadness. I also feel to some degree that I am a failure. I will never be convinced that there was more to my redundancy than a simple numbers game. Not everyone in my role was redundant, therefore I have failed, its a fairly simple conclusion.
There may also be, I assured him, a degree of relief, even satisfaction, that the uncertainty of recent months is now resolved. I will never be glad that I am leaving a company I held in such high regard, for so many reasons until very recently, but the move to knowing the outcome is definitely a very real relief.
Finally, and most importantly I am scared. In the UK, I understood the job marketplace I worked in. As I completed a contract, I usually had the next work lined up and signed off for the following week. Here in Australia, even after seven years, I feel like a stranger to the way things are done. Factor in my transition, and the fear multiplies. Unemployment amongst Transgender people is around three times the national average. I have no intention of adding to that statistic, but the prospect terrifies me…..
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