I really want this post to build on the positive message from the last update.
In order to get to the positive bit, it is necessary to acknowledge that I am coming off the back of a truly horrific period of depression. For this blog to be a complete record of my journey it needs to contain the whole story.
What started with some mild concerns about the wisdom of my transition, concerns that had sprouted from seeds sown earlier in the month, became a massive and crushing spiral of self loathing. I encountered a sensation of despair that was so intense I struggled to sleep, then I struggled to stay awake. I gave up trying to maintain my outward composure, it was just too much effort. My entire consciousness was consumed and replaced with an overwhelming sense of emptiness and futility, and from there it got worse.
Jane tried her hardest, calling up all the usual professional channels of support we have used. The festive period is clearly not a good time to feel bad. Surviving on a steady supply of Red Wine and supported on a growing pile of moist tissues I joined in her efforts to help me crawl out of the darkest hole I have ever found myself in. A few days of gentle and steady oscillations between sadness and despair followed.
I shared with a couple of close friends that I was feeling depressed, its hard to own up to a depression this bleak. I had no intention of making the people I care about feel my pain.
The Christmas decorations are now packed away and the only tinsel that remains visible are those little silvery strands that avoid the noisy clutches of the vacuum cleaner no matter how hard you try. Despite this marking the end of the festive season I am delighted to report, I continue to receive gifts.
Jane and I completed a mindfulness meditation together. A moment of closeness and quiet that was truly priceless.
I’ve also enjoyed a couple of incredibly powerful and positive conversations, and I have started to think again about the future.
Forty minutes of heart to heart with a lady further down the road, but on the same journey as I, has lifted my spirits and set me up for further improvements.
Jane also gave me an incredibly valuable gift. A handwritten note, highlighted in bold colours, and pinned to my office door, kickstarting a space for me to collect positive messages.
There is more to come, watch this space….
I really didn’t think I would be saying that earlier this week, and surely it can’t get much more positive than that.
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