Prepared but uncertain

Its probably been more than six years since I last heard from my Brother.

His text tonight was not entirely unexpected…..”We are all with Mum, its just a matter of time.”

I am prepared for the news, but uncertain as to how it will impact me. I’m expecting guilt. I am already feeling extremely selfish for not being there.

I haven’t seen Dawn Claire Katherine Aston for for seven years and I don’t know what level of awareness Mum has at the moment, or if she is missing my presence.

I’m going to compare the emptiness of my feelings in this moment, to those instances when you sit awkwardly, perhaps squashing a leg or an arm beneath yourself. The reduced blood flow to that extremity brings about a sensation in that area. It no longer feels connected. Right now, there is a similar numbness where I feel there should be some sorrow, or even a joyous reflection. I’m simply not connected physically or emotionally to the events unfolding on the other side of the planet.

I am ready for the news, I’m just not sure I am ready for the reconnection.

4 responses to “Prepared but uncertain”

lizkimber

February 1, 2016

I loved my grandad and granny more than anything. They are the closest people to me i have lost. For my grandad, he was ill for some time and as at best 12/13 we were kept away, but i was told how sick he was. Before he died, on a “good” day he phoned round to say good bye. I still miss him.

My gran died many many years later, in fact around 2006/7 she got knocked over by a dog and started having many little strokes, almost from that day, she wasnt my gran, and i felt a right cow for not having seen her much, once in fact, since that accident. But

The people in my mind they are stilllthe people i loved, not the shell their ailments had made them into.

Please try and view the distance and the fact you cant be there as the opportunity to remember your mum in better light than maybe she is able to show the world right now. For she was a great and important and wonderful person.

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Wendy

February 1, 2016

When the time is right, can I suggest to find a place in nature and make peace with her – speak out loud, to her and to the universe everything you’d want to say. All the emotions, all the memories but end with forgiveness so you can make peace with yourself X

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Jenny

February 1, 2016

I agree with Wendy. When the time is right, as difficult as it will be, try and forgive so you can release the weight of your childhood and embrace the future.

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Christine

February 2, 2016

Hmmm, a real tough one. And totally not understanding where your feelings are coming from, I can only guess. But here is a different spin…..
Guilt – guilt kills. Guilt kills your own self. Are you guilty because you can’t be there? Then don’t. For many reasons people can’t jump on a plane to be with a dying family member. I don’t say loved one, because sometimes that is not always the case either. What would you do when you got there? Make the appearance that you think other family members think you should? Say things to them that you think they want to hear? But not what you really want to say!

Guilty because you think they won’t approve of how you’ve grown? Again, loved ones versus family members? Is blood thicker than water? Be proud of you! Be proud of the struggles you have overcome! Embrace the people in your life today and be free.
If it is numbness you are feeling, it is there for a reason and maybe its not guilt!
It’s never nice to lose anyone, but we should never be judged by how we feel or react.
Be at peace.

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