Maybe it did work…….

After a period of intense reflection and reasoning I think we may have made some progress today after all.

Nothing like a good heart to heart with special people to help bring things into focus.

I’m currently in a state of flux, alternating between gender roles at home and work. This brings with it a degree of tension. Its not easy having a foot in either camp.

After three months of treatment, its also fair to say that the changes I am experiencing are predominantly emotional. The physical changes are not occurring in parallel. The changes in my appearance are in no way keeping up with the remarkable developments to my emotional self, its a bumpy ride. It makes me sad that people close to me may well be absorbing some of the discomfort. Sorry…..

There is one final piece to the puzzle. I think I have a need to see a more dramatic transformation when moving between the roles.

The difference between my two Gender roles is narrowing. Whilst still different, the Feminine Male and Masculine Female are merging. Today I experienced a visceral and disturbing blurring of these two roles. The lack of really pronounced “Transformation” whilst getting ready today, resulted in a degree of physical discomfort and formed the basis of my earlier and much darker post (sorry)

My anxiety was massive, I don’t think I have ever felt quite so uncomfortable, even before I stepped outside.

A slick of lipstick and a light covering of concealing foundation being the only real adjustments to my appearance other than the clothes. This maybe more authentic, but its a challenge for a fragile sense of self to accept.

Once again I will state, I didn’t choose this condition. Nobody would. For as long as I can remember I have felt at odds with my physical self. Initiating a gender transition is not a decision, its a necessity. The decision is either accepting or resisting the challenges that present along the way.

Buddhism teaches that resistance increases suffering, I guess I need to work harder to accept. Resistance really is futile.

6 responses to “Maybe it did work…….”

jane

January 31, 2016

too right!

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lizkimber

January 31, 2016

Now that’s more like the person I know and care for. Much as i have always been as you know I’m so not a girly girl. It is as only slightly easier for me to walk out my front door in a dress and make up as it is you. I’d feel like a complete tit and that the world was laughing and judging me.

But you know what. They wouldn’t be. I could walk out there in three fig leaves. Sure people might think daft cow and a couple would hide their children from the fat lady who’s gone nuts. But to be honest they probably think that when I wear my karate gi too

Were you leaving the house in a pink leotard and tutu? Probably not. Did you worry when leaving the house in days of old what others thought? Probably not much. If I’m wearing clothes sod what they think. If I’m decent eg no exposed things that shouldn’t be, in this day and age. Sod em. Sod em all. And one who gives you crap just remember it’s their problem not yours.

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Kathryn

January 31, 2016

Oh hun, this will get easier. I just read the other post and I understand so, so well what those constant anxious worried thoughts are like. The fantastic thing is that you are recognising them for what they are, and you’re going to start doing that more and more… And catching them in the moment, instead of later on after they have done their damage.

I promise you that you can beat these thoughts… If I can do it, you can. And I have 🙂 they still get me sometimes, but for the most part they’re behind me. Just remember the three things to challenge yourself on when you get these thoughts..

Is there any evidence for it?
Is there any evidence against it?
Is there any alternate explanation?

And write it down. It really is therapeutic.

I’m going to put my favourite mindfulness tracks on a thumb drive for you in case you want to try it. Helped me hugely xx

Chin up!

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kimberlyjaneolsen

January 31, 2016

Glad you found some positives in the experience. On the way home from the movies about a weeks ago a trans friend and I were discussion the early stages of transition and where were at now. We do put too much stock in “passing.” What often happens in those everyday walk by situations is you provide enough cues that people don;t notice you, or as my friend says at worst have sufficient doubt to accept that you may be a cisgendered woman. Still later, where I am now, some absolutely believe you are and others don’t but like who you are anyway. It is a challenge because I identify as a woman but my work requires me to constantly out myself. I am OK with that but so is almost everyone I meet. Keep at it hun

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kimberlyjaneolsen

January 31, 2016

Must learn to type one day, or proofread before I hit enter.

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Lindi

January 31, 2016

“If we change the way we look at things the things we look at change” ~ Dr Wayne Dyer

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