Avoiding Option 9

Option 9 has been prominent in my thoughts all weekend.

I now have an App on my phone (thanks Beyond Blue) and some more robust strategies in place. Option 9 is now no longer an Option at all….

What I need is to replace Option 9. This starts with the destruction of the concept that I am a grotesque, worthless, parody of a human female.

I’m not sure where to start. This belief is as deeply ingrained as my need to eat chocolate, and as autonomic as my heart beat.

I need some kind of IPL for the mind, shutting down some of my more persistent neural pathways.

It’s not something you will hear me say very often, but I think I may need a little help…..

6 responses to “Avoiding Option 9”

lizkimber

March 20, 2016

Think of the picture I sent you of me the other day. For those who have no idea who I am I lost a tooth in 1992 in a car accident for which my dentist gave me the best long term choice of the time. A bridge. Roll on many years and my new dentist having moved didn’t notice an abscess under the front tooth one end of my bridge so it fell out. I have decided on implants I didn’t want to damage more teeth as now I’m having to get 2 teeth done. It could have been 3.

This week I had the surgery to regrow bone where the abscess was. I’ve had surgeries befor on bits of me and such as putting a metal pole down my thigh bone these things aren’t gentle procedures. However nothing prepared me for the violence of this. I very large man used all his strength and weight to pull, push and gouge bits of my skull.

So it’s little surprise I have some swelling. “Some” my lip has flipping time zones.

Right now my face like Suzanne it’s in a transition. And frankly the face doesn’t feel like it’s worth it. It’s not right.m yet. I look like jar jar binks. (Apparently) and no I don’t mean you look bad but you are in transition. You will look and feel so much better when it’s all done.

It’s hard to see the end point when today isn’t looking good and it doesnt feel like it’s getting better.

Suzanne you are a beautiful person both inside and out. You’re a far better looking woman than me and I was born one. You are brave and wonderful.

As someone who suffers depression I get the termination thoughts. I’m fat (this is not derogatory it’s factual I’m like nearly twice my alleged ideal body weight although I looked ill when I managed to lose a load once) I’m certainly far from beautiful the scars on my face and the jar jar binks look are a bad combo. I’m single. I have my dad and my ex husband as family.

My advice is make a list of things that you did that gave joy to others. Like the blanket I made you brings joy to you I can sit and think. I did that. That was me. Someone who’s worthless and pointless did that. Oh wait. Maybe that is one of my purposes. You have your amazing embroidery.

I thought stupidly like the patterns I do for my blankets you imported a picture and tweaked it a little. To hear it took 10 hours. To do the one you were working on. That’s major time and patience. To make something to treasure doesn’t take seconds. It takes a beautiful heart to spend time like that on something for someone else.

Make things. Things to remind you of things you achieved. Things you can do. Places youve been. Why not make a kinda blanket of your own embroider bits like Americans do their patchwork stuff. Work on something you did and add it to your blanket. Then in times of need you can sit under it feeling a bit crap and all those great things will look back at you

It takes strength to do what you’re doing. It’s normal to have wobble.

When you wobble think of the good that you have done. My life is way better for knowing you.

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1. jane
  
  March 20, 2016
  
  Liz that was a very sweet response, thank you 🙂
  
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Pam

March 21, 2016

Oh Suzanne, I am glad you have come through the weekend, Beyond Blue are a pretty amazing organisation, I am glad you have found them. This world is better for you being part of it, sharing your generosity, wit, warmth and friendship with us all, and I like that we can have conversations about the perils of lycra too…

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Wendy Barrett

March 21, 2016

So sorry to hear you’re having a rough time of it Suzanne. I hope this week is better for you. I so enjoyed our online conversation the other day. Your femininity shone through and I loved the photos you sent through!

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Angela

March 21, 2016

If you perception of yourself is skewed then listen to the perception of the many people that love you! You are beautiful inside and out!!! you need to trust and believe us xxx

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Louise

March 22, 2016

We are many, those who love you and see your beauty. I remember going through therapy once, I was in a psychiatric hospital because I was suicidal and had attempted suicide. It’s not that clear for me and I don’t really remember that time. What I do remember is the words people wrote on little pieces of paper, what they saw in me. I still have those little pieces of paper. I could never see what they saw. The truth is, I am those things they see. Just as you are those things that people write and say about you. It takes time to believe that for ourselves. Being the beautiful, humble being you are, receiving compliments as truth and easily accepting them, doesn’t happen overnight. Speak out loud those comments people have left for you, the encouragement and love. Close your eyes and breath those heartfelt words. Most of all the acceptance that is there for you, to help you bear the journey and steps you are taking. Have some trusting contacts to call at anytime you need to talk, to help you through those deeper times when the struggle to keep goings seems all too hard. I am here anytime you need to talk. Love you heaps, Suzanne xox

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