Thursday started with an early morning panic attack that began with “Arrgghhhh I can’t go out looking like this !” It was a full on panic, with a rapid onset, but that kept growing, like a vast snowball tumbling down a steep hill.
Looking at the cause of the panic with hindsight, it seems completely ludicrous to have allowed it to stop me in my tracks, but at the time it was cripplingly real.
I was rescued by a thoughtful colleague, who met me for the short walk into the office, where over a morning coffee, she reassured me I looked fine, which really helped ease me into the working day.
The Panic returned shortly before I stepped up to the Lectern to deliver a short talk on what it means to be Transgender. I was delivering the speech to the Women In IT group that runs regular events at the Bank, the room was packed, I was incredibly anxious and deeply concerned that so many people had turned up to listen to me waffle on.
Thirty five minutes later, and having lost a good 5 litres of fluid through some Grade A “glistening” I closed the talk to warm applause, and then took a few questions….
“Where are your shoes ?” was one of the first queries, from a smiling colleague who is aware of my challenges around exposing my legs. I was stood there in my Knee High boots deeply convinced they are the silver bullet to my body image woes.
I explained there were 3 pairs of shoes in my bag, under a desk, just outside the conference room, but that at this time I had no plans to put any of them on. I felt awkward sharing my insecurities, but it was also incredibly liberating to be so open with a group of people.
“What’s next for Suzanne ?” was the next question.
I responded by saying that I really needed to dismantle the image of “Woman” that exists in my head, to which I compare myself several times daily. This I explained would help me out of the boots and into the shoes, and hopefully before Summer in Perth really gets going.
Another colleague sat close to the front quickly commented “Good Luck with that ! We all have that image, and we all do the comparing.”
I felt like I had made a really meaningful connection to a large number of people, it was tough, but worth it and a huge part of “Taking My Whole Self to Work.”
Thank You.
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