I’m not going to pretend that was easy….
Ok, so the Riding part was easy. The protective gear and helmet to a fairly large degree anonymises me, I become just another rider, another two wheeled enthusiast enjoying the very best that this country has to offer.
Sharing a ride, through this scenery on that bike, with those people, was simply magnificent. It really doesn’t get much better.
Taking off the Jacket, Helmet, Gloves, and stepping from my machine that is the hard part.
I was on a Ladies only ride, and when you start to peel off the gear, my inadequacies in this area are highlighted one at a time, in a painful, semi striptease where the only part of me to get truly exposed is my fear.
It is ironic that the clothing that is designed to protect my skin and bones, can also provide a fairly serious level of protection to my self esteem. Those layers of protection hide my insecurity, and vulnerability, and taking it off hurts.
I was swamped by feelings of inadequacy as we dismounted the bikes at the destination for lunch.
Like almost every other Human on the planet, I want people to like me, accept me and embrace me. I am Suzanne, the rather messed up bundle of emotions and worries, and that is what I want people to see. It is me.
A casual glance in the makeup and hair mirror that is installed on the Indian was not a good idea. It stoked the fire of my doubt and more or less crippled me with anxiety. What I saw was not Suzanne….I saw a gruesome facsimile. I was literally torn in two. Not wanting to prematurely end my day out, but also fighting an anxiety that threatened to bury me.
Close to giving up, and with two of the Ladies, standing holding the door for me, I remembered one key phrase from the Body Image workshop Jane and I attended a few months ago “You Are Enough !”
With that single thought, came a reminder of the magnificent soul who spoke that night, about feeling she was an embarrassment to her family and friends, and how severely that hampered her social life. That evening I looked across the room towards her, and really could not understand how she could feel so terribly about herself. She was a beautiful person that I felt compelled to hug. How could she feel that way, before we left the venue I made sure I shared with her my feelings, she was just perfect.
So, last to enter, and last to order, but I made it.
I hope I was “Enough.” because I want to do it again, and again, and again…..
Oh and as an FYI this is what Jane calls the bit of me that causes all this grief…
The “Panicosaurus” << Click Here.
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