It is probably no secret that I have been struggling for the last couple of weeks. The depression that I had hoped would recede and disappear, came back with a vengeance.
The Black Dog brought along its good friend anxiety, and between the pair of them they pretty much reduced me to a quivering sobbing mess.
Weeks of suicidal thoughts takes it toll on the soul, and eventually something has to give. Fortunately I am surrounded by people who care, people who not only care, but who also express that care through real action…
Despite feeling immense anxiety at the prospect, I spent a relaxing evening with a colleague from work and his family. I was surrounded by love, small puppies, pizza, and brownies. This was a really good kick start to the healing process.
The next step towards progress came on Monday with a two hour session with a Mental Health Professional. This consultation, sponsored by my employer was enlightening, and the end result was a fairly comprehensive list of recommendations, the first of which was a serious review of my treatment.
The bulk of this week, when I have not been in meetings or working, has been spent travelling to various appointments to help me get back on track. Having come off the rails weeks ago, without really realising it, I’ve travelled a lot further than I should have away from my goals, and intervention was needed to get me heading in the right direction again.
My medication regime has now changed, new tablets to counter anxiety symptoms have been introduced, and new efforts to get my sky high blood pressure under control are starting to take effect.
The net result of all this tweaking was well and truly put to the test last night, when Jane and I attended a friends Birthday party. Although not complete strangers, many of the guests at the party we have met only once or twice before, and all before my transition. Despite this, I felt able to relax a little, and ultimately enjoyed an evening of great company and good laughs.
This really was a big step. I’m not going to say I was the most confident and outgoing party animal in the room, but I didn’t sit in a dark corner and tremble, whilst hoping nobody spoke to me. I really did find Hope, both literally and figuratively, and she filled me with a renewed zest for the future.
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