Today marks the one year point for my “Full Time’ Transition.
I’m not crazy about concept of Full Time, I’ve always been me, and I’ve always been me all of the time. I’ve just had to be me, beneath layers of lifestyle, built to hide what I felt was a shameful truth.
However within the Transgender community Full Time is a well used phrase, possibly because, under some circumstances without hitting “Full Time” milestones, other phases of treatment are withheld.
The picture I added to this post was taken for me by a fellow traveller half way across the Nullarbor plain. I normally run and hide when a camera is pointed at me, and this occasion was initially no different. The snapper persisted, explaining that I was half way across Australia on my own on a bike i had never ridden before, and that I should be immensely proud, “Let me take a picture you can show your Grandchildren !” he implored. He may have had a point, but probably not the one he thought. This image captures me doing something I love passionately, and looking less like me, than I have ever looked before.
One year on, I figured it was a good time to look at what has changed….
Firstly, I have learned that in order to be my most authentic self, I have to unlearn, more than I have to learn. An entire lifetime of constructing elaborate barriers to mask my feelings and aspirations takes some time to dismantle. I don’t need a backstory to explain my nail polish anymore, it is just who I am….
I deeply regret that little has changed with regards to my health and fitness. Regular readers will know its a popular topic that I frequently address with bold statements and commitments to change. One of my favourite Authors, a Gent, by the name of Nigel Marsh, has much to say on the topic of personal development. His mantra is all about small changes. I’m going to lean on this Philosophy a bit, and hope that the scale of change elsewhere in my life is consuming the energy required to bring about the changes I need to make, and that small changes towards a fitter me, will commence once I have bottomed out the other more challenging issues.
Something else I have learned is that 99% of people in the world pay far less attention to me, than I thought they would…….The other 1% are made up of people who are either, incredibly rude, incredibly curious, or incredibly supportive.
This leads me on nicely to the question of confidence, and here there is some more detailed thinking required….One year ago, I would stand by the open front door, and be gripped by a fear. Now, heading out is a straightforward affair, just as it should be. However I am sure the lack of confidence is still there. I have learned to combat the fear of stepping out into the world, but the fear of judgement is still real. It may only be less than 1% of the population that are going to judge, but that 1% has the power to propel me back into the darkest hole you can imagine.
Treatment wise, there are some deeply satisfying changes. My hair is longer, thicker and a colour that I aspired to for a very long time. My skin is smooth, clear and soft. My breast tissue continues to develop, and despite the discomfort, this is an immensely satisfying experience. There are other changes, and I’m not going to spell it out but you should get the picture.
Progress continues, I’m not missing my “Collar and Tie”, but I guess that’s because I didn’t actually wear one that often anyway….
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