This blog post was originally going to be written as an Homage to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, an author with whom Jane and I have spent a considerable amount of time recently .The post is half written, but that caper will have to wait till next time, as there is something a good deal more pressing that I need to get off my “Still growing rather nicely thank you very much Chest.”
This post is really all about me working something through so I can better understand how I have arrived at an uncomfortable position with a person who was going to help, so if you are not interested in my stream of conscious ramblings, tune out now, and look forwards to the Holmes and Suzanne Blog entry coming up soon….
You may recall from a recent post, I had hoped to embark on a five-week course of discovering my self-worth. Read that here
Since that session, my relationship with the facilitator has crumbled to the point that I actually feel an intense resentment for this woman. Not a great outcome when I was hoping for a path to casting off my self loathing. I’m using the word resentment, because the promise of peace, serenity and real progress on my journey has given way to conflict and a palpable tension. Hopes and aspirations lost in favour of tension filled text messages and an unnecessary stand-off. This seething resentment has risen because something deeply personally significant is now off the cards, and it hurts.
What should have been a pleasant enough chat over the telephone with the woman in question, was I believe, the catalyst to this destructive sequence of events. Regular readers will know how hard Misgendering hits me, and my fragile sense of self, so when it happens with someone engaged to help, the effect was more pronounced. I really didn’t expect to be addressed as “Mister” by a person who has only known me as Suzanne. There was a rapid apology, but like compliments, I’m unable to let these in. The damage is done, and the process of my brittle confidence being undermined began.
From that moment it didn’t take long for me to reach various conclusions, one of which was that I needed to clarify that the facilitator was fully bought into my Journey. My rationale for this was based on the Misgendering, it would surely present a problem if I was still perceived as Male in an all Women circle.
After an agonising evening spent contemplating, “shall I, shan’t I.” I eventually emailed the facilitator and withdrew from the course. Being completely honest, I had hoped that there would be a period of discussion, and I left myself open to this. My aspiration, despite having taken myself and Jane out of the course, was that it was still salvageable with the right outcome from a discussion with the “Boss” It could be that some blame for this situation should be shouldered by me, for adopting this approach, but I sincerely hoped it would drive through to the right conclusion.
The situation has been complicated by my offering to financially assist another woman through the course, I was touched by her story, that she shared in the initial session, and in keeping with my desire to help anyone and everyone, I offered to cover her costs.
Since then, the reconciliation discussion was never concluded, but requests for advance payment for the Lady I was sponsoring began to pile up, and continued to arrive, resulting in what amounted to a demand to pay in advance, in full “By Return” This was too much for me.
I had agreed to pay, that was, as far as I was concerned sufficient. I am unaccustomed to demands for charitable donations to be made, up front, and well in advance of the event. I get that this person is running a business, however, I also felt, given the nature of the business and the spiritual nature of the person, that there would be a degree of trust.
It felt like the pressure applied to pay, outstripped the value of any relationship. Commercial pressure overriding human factors, and not in anyway what I expected, and certainly not in keeping with :-
“learn to follow their body’s wisdom and “higher guidance” rather than always pushing to make things happen.”
I’ve ordered the book written by the original architect of the course, and located a couple of other facilitators in Australia, if it continues to niggle me, I will just go and sit the sessions elsewhere 🙂
The invoice will be settled, I will chalk this up to experience, and try very hard to move on, from what has been the disturbing experience of moving from hope to despair.
Phew, now where did I put my Deerstalker…..
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