This week has seen me battling the onset of another depressive episode, and struggling to cope with the sheer volume of simultaneous, complex, and challenging situations in my life at the moment.
I was desperately in need of some TLC, and Jane, as ever, finely tuned into my mental well being was eager to deliver. The TLC arrived in the form of Jane’s foot firmly between my shoulder blades, propelling Suzanne out of the front door, and off towards a cup of tea with several of the team at South West Counselling.
Stepping out as Suzanne is an incredibly difficult task. The goal is to be accepted as I truly am. There is an initial sense of relief at presenting as myself. It feels right. What follows however, as I enter the world beyond my front door, is a fear that completely consumes my consciousness, and leaves me on the edge of panic.
It felt good to be amongst the team at SW Counselling. Many of whom know of my journey, but have never met Suzanne. There was a warm sincere welcome, and many compliments. I’m still not skilled at handling compliments, that is another task still to work through on the plan.
With the tea mug drained, and all excuses to avoid venturing back outside exhausted, it was time to move onto phase two of the excursion.
The new embroidery machine and my freshly discovered passion for working with fabrics, gave us an opportunity to do a little shopping in Spotlight (Craft Superstore.) The Busselton Spotlight store is a cavernous affair and fortunately for the nervous agoraphobic, it offers a multitude of places to hide. I found most of them yesterday, but at the same time managed to pick up some essential supplies.
The only downside to the whole outing was that I may possibly have appeared most rude….
Whilst waiting for Jane to pay, a Gentleman who had just walked into the store gave me a huge smile and bade me a good afternoon, he followed on by asking how I was. If I could have spoken the honest answer would have been “Fucking Terrified ! “, the polite answer would have been “Somewhat tense, thanks.” Struck mute as I was, there was a momentary and awkward silence, before he strode off leaving me to feel decidedly bad for my shocking display of manners.
I think we are going again tomorrow. Apparently, I need the practice.
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