WASP News

This post maybe harder to read, than it is to write.

If thoughts of Suicide and Death are triggering for you, please do not read any further.

My close friends and family will no doubt be aware that for the bulk of this year I have battled with the ever present desire to end my life. After a very difficult day yesterday, I think the time has come to articulate my position.

I have decided to fully expose my thoughts on this difficult concept here in the blog. I will explore more completely the rationale and thinking behind my self destructive desire. I will then hopefully move on to a more positive position. It is my ambition not to have to cover this topic again…….

My family, friends, home, and lifestyle are an immensely powerful force for good. My self loathing, and the constant emotional discomfort that I experience existing as a hideous hybrid is regrettably an equally powerful  force.

When the balance tips between these two opposing forces, and I become consumed by hatred of myself,  the descending darkness obscures all that is good. It is not that I want to die, it is just that I am no longer able see any of the countless reasons to carry on. My family, friends, and all that is worth living for dissolves from my consciousness. Non existence looks attractive because the chaos and upset that I would leave behind are masked by selfish thoughts of freedom from suffering.  It is in these moments that  I have sought intervention and support.

The usual response is that suicide is a very permanent solution to an almost certainly temporary problem. Up until now, it doesn’t feel like a temporary problem. My transition will remain an ongoing journey, not a brief moment. Its a permanent problem.

Over the course of last Monday, my self confidence began to erode. Numerous little incidents, were nibbling away at my fragile sense of self.  Finally, early on Monday evening when sliding into the back of a taxi, wearing a dress, a full face of makeup and a rather pretty scarf, I was greeted by “Good Evening Sir,” My confidence didn’t stand a chance. The taxi driver is blameless, he cannot change his perception of me, or his response to my presence. The time and effort invested to get me where I thought I was, quickly unraveled.  I can liken this experience to being hit hard and fast. A tsunami of self loathing followed.

In the early hours of Tuesday morning I once again approached the point of no return. With a head full of statistics and a fair amount of research on Trams, I was ready slide carefully beneath a tram, place my neck across the track and wait. Driven by  solid  belief that ultimately the planet, would, on the whole, be a much  better place without me.  My family would no longer have to deal with the awkward reality of a transitioning partner / parent. My employer would of course be infinitely better off without me draining their resources and dealing with the added complexities of a transgender person in the workplace. I would no longer be subjected to the harsh, visceral, and often painful reality of the disparity between the way I feel, and my awkward physical form.

I sought help………

Friday turned out to be a challenging day. Confronting, emotionally draining and dealing with some harsh truths. People with Broken Legs need Casts. People with Depression like mine, need treatment.

Its not all just about drugs of course, and over a 90 minute conversation with a very special person, a solution  began to emerge.

At long last I am going to try and share some of the compassion and empathy I have for complete strangers, with the one person on the planet for whom I feel nothing but loathing. Myself.